Sunday, 12 November 2017

Winters, Coffee, and You

November 12, 2017 0 Comments

Oh dear! You again. I was just feeling low and that picture of you, it just gave me a curve on my face. Your voice, listening to your voice makes my day. Isn't it strange that just seeing a person or listening to them, speak, makes one feel honored? Yes. I feel that way, even if anyone says that I have gone crazy and I am acting like a stupid. People can say anything like I care. But anything you say to me any words, well they are my treasure. I'll keep them buried in my chest and they are what I am proud of. People said, I don't feel happy, I am not smiling, but who is gonna tell them that it is because you are the one who makes me the happiest. Even the simplest things you do for me, what you say to me when you honor me, tell me how adorable I am, it all just makes me happy, just like that. Like, like an instant coffee. Oh, what a combo, coffee is to you, your talks, your smile, and the scent of your body, the winter nights, both scents make me go crazy and addicted. 

There is nothing more I would ever want to have if you are beside me because that is more than enough. I embrace everything related to you. I would love to do all the stupid things and be as stupid as I can because I know you won’t be judging me. This is what makes you special and yes, you are your own kind of adorable and beautiful. I wanna tell them all if you wanna see me smile, bring YOU because you make me.

Sunday, 15 October 2017

YOU and Addiction

October 15, 2017 1 Comments

You say I should stop and I need to control myself with this addiction, tell me how? Because I can't figure it out. You think I can really control? No, I can't. Okay, but before you answer that, let me tell you what I have been through. I can’t think of anything except you. I feel I am lost somewhere and I can't even find any way back to where I started. Maybe, if I go back, I can un-do things and then YOU, damn you won't be there on the new paths and even the previous ones because they have been un-done. I have lost my focus and there is nothing I want other than you. I want more of you with every passing day. Even there are times I eat and drink, but I don’t feel it, I just know the name of what I am consuming, but how it tastes, well, I got no idea. I wonder if my taste buds are working. 

You know what I wish? Every single morning when I open my eyes, I really pray that you are just beside me, either in a sound peaceful sleep or looking at me and smiling. what else? I wanna travel to all the beautiful and stupid places with you. Explore around and look how you see the world. I wish I could just tell you every stupid non-sense thing I have done in my life and even the entire day, whether it is of concern to you or not. I just wanna say it all. If you could listen to me......if you could listen to me.......when you tell me things about yourself I always want to listen because I just love doing that, I have no idea why, no matter if they make a sense or not. I am all ears and listening......listening and asking questions, so you may feel and realize how special and how important that talk is to me and more than that, YOU. 

You know what is worst? When I do things which I shouldn't have said or done I feel it would have been better if I couldn't breathe... it is sensitive of me, but I feel it so deep that mostly it seems as if something will happen to my heart and I wouldn't be able to move ever again. That may sound filmy and unrealistic, but let me tell you anything related to you is not a drama or a story for me. It is real. Damn. Another stupid thing I wish for is to sleep while listening and talking to you with my days starting and ending at you and your laugh. How could I forget that...I love all of you in all your forms…..
Tell me now, how should I control this addiction??

Monday, 9 October 2017

The Ultimate Solution

October 09, 2017 2 Comments

They told me everything is going to be okay once I get married and I shouldn't worry about anything. I wondered how it would be possible, because it wasn't the solution. It was expected of me that I should get married and then things will change for me, completely. I won't have elevated mood at one time and feel low at another time. I recalled the psychologist telling my parents that I had Bipolar disorder. And that I need therapies to get better, but soon after coming home my parents told me that there was nothing wrong. The only thing which would help me was to get married and forget about going to the psychologist, because they are for the mentally insane people and I ain't one.

So just after a few months, I got married. She was a pretty decent lady and she was happy as well, I was too, maybe. So, let me tell you how things changed for me after I got married. Actually, it was no different for me from when I was single, but yes what my parents had to experience due to my intense emotions was also now shared by my wife. With the unusual behaviors, the changes in my sleep patterns; when I couldn't sleep all night at times and in the day I had no idea where I was, being on the bed. There were times when I had so much energy and I was doing various tasks at one time, but periods of immobility came with no alarm. My family faced a financial breakdown when I invested a huge amount in a business which was bound to fall when I had an elevated mood. I took risks which often were threatening to my life and did things which could have resulted in the loss of my family members due to me. 

My family soon realized that marriage wasn't the solution and instead a new person had to face a number of problems because her husband was diagnosed with a psychological disorder. Now it has been a few months that I am visiting the psychologist and he is giving me therapies and counseling which although may not cure, but are managing the issue. I am still not perfect, but I have a realization of the problem and I want to get better because I can't hurt and cause harm to my family. 

Saturday, 26 August 2017

Trust me Once, Maybe...?

August 26, 2017 7 Comments

They mock at me, call me a coward and tell me that I am too afraid. Why is that so? Well, it is because I fear darkness, I fear to be alone, and I avoid going to strange places. I am an adult now and still, I can't take control of my personal belongings on my own. Darkness scares me and I think there is someone standing and he will take me away or hurt me. Strange places are full of people and things which would be a threat to me and I should avoid them. It is not that I don't try to take responsibility or step in the dark areas, I have tried, many times, but there is something which makes me believe that there must be something wrong.  

Are you wondering why I believe so? I think I might be wrong, in fact, I am or maybe not I am confused because…..I could hear her, even when I was a few months old, the calm and soothing voice of my mother. She was trying to make me sleep, but I wanted to play, and then something happened. She turned off the lights and told me that there was a scary person standing right beside my bed and if I don’t sleep, he will eat me or take me away to his scary place. I cried, loud, wanting my mother to be with me all the time so the nerve-racking person won’t harm me, and eventually, I slept. She told me this every other night, I trusted her, she was my mother, she gave me birth, and who else was I supposed to believe other than her? She never let me do my chores and told me that I was not able to manage and take care of my stuff, so she did it for me, till today. Whenever I wanted to go with my friends to the park to play, she went with me and watched me, all the time, because it was a strange place, and I didn’t often use to go there. My dear mother told me that I will be lost alone, and then I won’t be able to find my way back to home.

I don’t understand why people laugh at me because I act so, I am just doing everything my mother told me and made me believe. After all, she was my primary care giver and she knows me better than anyone. But you know what, deep down I think, sorry mom for saying so, I think I could have done everything if you believed and trusted me once.

Monday, 21 August 2017

Diamond in the Rough

August 21, 2017 2 Comments

You met, had a chat, you got well along with each other, yeah? You shared your ideas, interests, likes, dislikes, made friends. Just as simple as that, of course, your frequencies matched, so here you are, friends. Did you make friends on how the other one looked, how they dress, how they walk, how tall or short they are, how they speak? Definitely, No, right? Then why we tease and bully the other fellow on these standards?

You think that makes you look cool? Or are you superior? Just think of the times you cry under your blanket, long for a loved one for so long, have a parent who is alcoholic or abusive, or parents who have arguments, siblings who don't even like to talk to you. It is not necessary that you are going through any of this, but on the other side, just consider the person you are bullying is going through any of it? The worst part about teasing and bullying is that the cowed starts believing in the words and comments what they are told by the bully.

There might be no one around the bullied who tells them they are beautiful just the way they are, and your words might make them suicidal. Can you believe that? Yes, there are up to 14% high school students who have considered suicide, while another 7% have attempted it. How would you feel if you get to know that the person you bullied died because you told them, that he/she wasn't good enough? Sadly, the bullied may not have the courage to tell you to stop and they don't like it. They are often left with either the choice of "keep going" or "to give up." Who are you to judge the other one, when you are just a diamond in the rough? 

Last thoughts, encouragement take the other person closer to all that they can be, and discouragement takes them away. 

Goodbye, until next time...!!

Tuesday, 23 May 2017

Life.....An Uncertainity

May 23, 2017 0 Comments

Life. Well, you know what for everyone it has a different meaning, a different definition, varied associations, memories, experiences, expectations and what more? And you know what else? There is more to these four letters than the few explanations we have for it individually. The difference may be that we often make our own individual boundaries, and we feel comfortable in giving meaning to everything within those limits. Does life knows limits? Have you ever thought these four letters can be elaborated in numerous manners, L; Love, Light, Learn, I; Inspiration, Initiate, Idea, F; Family, Friends, Festive, E; Enlighten, Enrich, Explore. On contrary, they can also be explained as Lust, Offense, Victimize, Ego, and Exploit. Just a random shuffling changes the meaning of life and it turns out to be a completely different thing.

There are times, when I feel that I have lost interest in life, although I consider myself a party person. I like going out with my family, friends, shopping, eating, exploring the places where I have never been before, and experiencing what I never imagined before. Things often don’t turn out the way we expect them to. Like just imagine that you are walking by the road, do you expect that it would be smooth one? No, right? So, life could not be perfect at all times there are things that hold you back and yes, the things which keep you moving.

Well, coming to the point, why I feel that I have lost interest in life? Waking up every single day, starting the day with the same routine and at times there is difference when it comes to going out and having a party. It does make me happy and yes it can make a number of people contented and then after the day long, coming back to the same bed, sleeping and it completes the day. We just forget about light, inspiration, festivity, and enrichment while making up to the “work” which is expected from us.

There have been a few incidents which have led me to think how uncertain the life is. A young girl coming back from home and going to the hostel when the bus she was travelling in has an accident, and she is the only one losing her life among all other 50 passengers including bus crew. Think of a teen age boy, the only son of his parents, is hit by a car which kills him, while he was buying some stuff his mother asked to get from the market. Recently, I just came across the story of a student who is diagnosed with Ewing sarcoma, a type of life threatening cancer, while he is pursuing his medical degree and is heading towards his final year.

Imagine, what life was for them just a couple of seconds before they encountered death and near death experience. Life changed its meaning in just a couple of seconds and often it does not give a signal so you could prepare for it beforehand. What to do when we have to face something for which we aren’t prepared? Life, yeah life never gives you a chance to embrace yourself before turning all the odds against you.

(I am writing my blog after ages, but I am not putting up it as an excuse if there are any errors, 
because I know there are. Perfection isn’t the demand I believe. Well I could only remember these few lines by Junaid Jamshed).

Maar Bhi Jaoun To Youn Mat Roona
Beeti Hoi Batoon Ko, Jaagi Hoi Raatoon Ko
Yaad Karna, Yaad Karna Aur Jee Lena

Wednesday, 20 July 2016

Overcome fear of Death

July 20, 2016 0 Comments
Death is a part of life

Whoever comes in the world has to go one day. There are a few simple points to consider if one is suffering from death phobia.

Death is Natural

One needs to recognize that death is natural. Each and every life goes through three major stages, conception, birth, and death.

Self-talk and Writing

Self-talk is healthy but to a certain limit. If one is fearful of death, one needs to determine the time when such thoughts come to mind. The causes or those things which trigger the phobia. Writing about the times one is fearful of death and thinks how it affects one’s life in different contexts like social, personal, relationships, and occupational etc. It helps to understand and consider one’s thoughts. Whenever negative thoughts accumulate the mind, one needs to calm down. Believing and focusing on the positive aspects of life helps to get rid of destructing thoughts. Staying calm in situations which lead to anxious behaviors helps in the long run.

Be Honest

One needs, to be honest with oneself. Facing the realities helps rather than running away from them. One will die someday but this does not mean that the entire life will be spent living in the fear of death. Enjoy the life to the most and just be prepared for death. There is nothing to be fearful of.

Take  Control

Taking control of one’s live is most important. One should not allow others to rule over oneself or have command. Family and friends are often always a source of compassion and positivity. Keep oneself busy in different activities which are of interest to the individual. Keep up with the things which make one happy. If there is a job or a relationship which is deeply dissatisfying, leave it or take care of it in a positive way.

Rituals and Spirituality

One needs not to be religious to adopt ritual. They just give meaning to life. Rituals give a sense of continuity and a reason to live. A walk in the cool breeze close to nature or talking to underprivileged children, helping them out give satisfaction to the soul. 
Most of the times depressed people are afraid of dying or they either want to die because they think they have nothing to live for. Responsibilities and incomplete tasks lead to such issues. Considering the care of every individual related to one’s life is important. Selfish and or selfless behavior is not appropriate. It is better to take reasonable steps rather than obsessing oneself.
One does not want to die when one thinks that there will be no one after they are gone to take care of them. The most important thing to consider at this moment is that one cannot love and care for one’s family more than God does. He loves His mankind more than anything.

Healthy and Positive Life

Making a list of tasks like “Things to do”, challenging oneself every day with new positive ideas, making commitments with oneself lead to a healthier body as well as the mind. Being passionate about the goals of life and positive will help one to get rid of negative thoughts of death. Thinking and fearing death leads to anxiousness, despair, depression etc. The focus should be on living well and passionately. When an individual is satisfied with one’s life fear of death does not take root in the thoughts or the heart of the individual.