Kumane Kulula: Psychology and Parenting

Monday, 9 October 2017

The Ultimate Solution

Hamna October 09, 2017 2 Comments

They told me everything is going to be okay once I get married and I shouldn't worry about anything. I wondered how it would be possible, because it wasn't the solution. It was expected of me that I should get married and then things will change for me, completely. I won't have elevated mood at one time and feel low at another time. I recalled the psychologist telling my parents that I had Bipolar disorder. And that I need therapies to get better, but soon after coming home my parents told me that there was nothing wrong. The only thing which would help me was to get married and forget about going to the psychologist, because they are for the mentally insane people and I ain't one.

So just after a few months, I got married. She was a pretty decent lady and she was happy as well, I was too, maybe. So, let me tell you how things changed for me after I got married. Actually, it was no different for me from when I was single, but yes what my parents had to experience due to my intense emotions was also now shared by my wife. With the unusual behaviors, the changes in my sleep patterns; when I couldn't sleep all night at times and in the day I had no idea where I was, being on the bed. There were times when I had so much energy and I was doing various tasks at one time, but periods of immobility came with no alarm. My family faced a financial breakdown when I invested a huge amount in a business which was bound to fall when I had an elevated mood. I took risks which often were threatening to my life and did things which could have resulted in the loss of my family members due to me.

My family soon realized that marriage wasn't the solution and instead a new person had to face a number of problems because her husband was diagnosed with a psychological disorder. Now it has been a few months that I am visiting the psychologist and he is giving me therapies and counseling which although may not cure, but are managing the issue. I am still not perfect, but I have a realization of the problem and I want to get better because I can't hurt and cause harm to my family.

# Psychology and Parenting

Saturday, 26 August 2017

Trust me Once, Maybe...?

Hamna August 26, 2017 7 Comments

They mock at me, call me a coward and tell me that I am too afraid. Why is that so? Well, it is because I fear darkness, I fear to be alone, and I avoid going to strange places. I am an adult now and still, I can't take control of my personal belongings on my own. Darkness scares me and I think there is someone standing and he will take me away or hurt me. Strange places are full of people and things which would be a threat to me and I should avoid them. It is not that I don't try to take responsibility or step in the dark areas, I have tried, many times, but there is something which makes me believe that there must be something wrong.

Are you wondering why I believe so? I think I might be wrong, in fact, I am or maybe not I am confused because…..I could hear her, even when I was a few months old, the calm and soothing voice of my mother. She was trying to make me sleep, but I wanted to play, and then something happened. She turned off the lights and told me that there was a scary person standing right beside my bed and if I don’t sleep, he will eat me or take me away to his scary place. I cried, loud, wanting my mother to be with me all the time so the nerve-racking person won’t harm me, and eventually, I slept. She told me this every other night, I trusted her, she was my mother, she gave me birth, and who else was I supposed to believe other than her? She never let me do my chores and told me that I was not able to manage and take care of my stuff, so she did it for me, till today. Whenever I wanted to go with my friends to the park to play, she went with me and watched me, all the time, because it was a strange place, and I didn’t often use to go there. My dear mother told me that I will be lost alone, and then I won’t be able to find my way back to home.

I don’t understand why people laugh at me because I act so, I am just doing everything my mother told me and made me believe. After all, she was my primary care giver and she knows me better than anyone. But you know what, deep down I think, sorry mom for saying so, I think I could have done everything if you believed and trusted me once.